Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Mom Prob: I Need a BFF

This is embarrassing to write.

I am a grown up woman who is going to whine about how I don't have a best friend.

It's a true statement though no matter how embarrassing. There is a hole in my life where a best friend should be. I feel it most whenever I am going through some struggles in life or a health crisis with my daughter.

Sure, I have a husband. But, we are usually stressed at the same time when there is a child health issue. He is a great listener, but there is a limit to the whines and concerns he can hear from me without losing his mind. Sometimes, I pick up the phone to call someone who has a female brain, but there's no one I can think of that has the time to listen to me.

That's when a thought pops in my head, "I have no friends."
Me with all my close friends : )
But, that's not accurate. I have numerous FaceBook friends who read about my adventures with my daughter and give likes or crying faces when appropriate or write a comment. This makes me feel connected to many people, but it's not enough.

I have a great mom and a few close family members who call or message me during hard times. I need these people in my life offering prayers, encouragement, and assistance in various forms.

I do have a handful of female friends who check on my family, come to my kids' birthday parties, and possibly have dinner with my family a time or two a year. I consider these girls in my inner circle. They understand my life more than most and love my children. We talk about getting together for some girl time, but we never do. Every mom is busy and has a family to take care of first. But not spending time together without kids present really makes it hard to develop a closer friend relationship.

I even have two female friends I have met with 1-2 times a year in person by ourselves for some well deserved female time without children. Amanda will answer a text from me at 5 am. How great is she? Tricia will respond to my very long messages and doesn't judge me when I say I'm struggling. She gets me, and I need her. These two girls are the people who I can count on in a pinch for prayers or encouragement. I hope I do the same for them too. But I doubt Amanda or Tricia would consider me their best friend. I've never been Tricia's house. I don't even know Amanda's favorite color. That's got to be a BFF requirement, right?

See, I DO have friends. But I don't have a female Best Friend.

Part of this is my fault. I have always been the person who just kept 1 or 2 friends in my inner circle. I was never the girl who spent her weekends with a large group of people. I always felt good about just having a friend or two until that friend was sick or missed school. Then I was alone.

After Jaycee was born, I made more mistakes in acquiring and keeping friends. I isolated myself for the first few years of her life. I missed weddings, baby showers, parties, and special events. Sometimes, I was guarding Jaycee from germs. Sometimes, I was avoiding all the social contact. Try socializing with people and making small talk while your child went through two open heart surgeries and needed intensive care at home. Small talk and complaints about mundane things is exhausting and meaningless when your child has been fighting for their life. Even now, this is still true at times for me.

Still, I have made mistakes. I have closed myself away from people. I have hesitated to reach out to people when I have needed to talk to someone. I haven't talked about the things on my heart because I didn't want to burden anyone. Some of my problems with Jaycee are just too much for some people to handle or at least I think they are. Some of my thoughts are just so unrelated to most people; I keep them inside wishing there was someone to release them to.

Perhaps, one day I'll have a female best friend. We'll have lunch. We'll cry. We'll laugh and have inside jokes. We'll buy each other birthday presents. We'll go Christmas shopping together. We'll have babysitters that can keep our kids. Our plans will never be broken because of a sick child. We'll see each other's homes. We'll know each other's favorite colors. It will be awesome!

Until then, I'll be thankful for my caring and patient husband. I'll treasure my mom, my aunt, and the other family members that are close by my side. I'll be thankful for the friends I do have, even if I wish we had more time to develop closer friendships. I'll be thankful for my kids who give me plenty of reasons to smile, and a God that hears my deepest cries when there's no one to talk to.

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