For six years, I have had the privilege of being Jaycee's mom. Together we have experienced things that the majority of people will never experience: open surgeries, heart caths, hospitalizations, being in the intensive care unit, respiratory distress, etc. Every year has had its set of challenges. Some were small (getting ear tubes) and some large (heart stuff). Some things that have happened have been expected. Many were not.
Each health or developmental issue that has come up has elicited a response from me. Some I have met head on, having faith and assurance that things would be fine. Other times, I have felt fear, stress, anxiety, depression, etc. These feelings could last a few minutes to a few days to a few months, depending on the severity. It's not an easy thing for me to admit but it's the reality. There has been health problem after health problem that it sometimes feel like our life is never quite "normal" for very long.
One day I got a mental picture of what this looks like. It's like I'm in an ocean treading water. I'm not drowning nor am I in immediate danger. But, it is taking lots of work to keep myself going. It is exhausting. There are times when I find something to rest on--a piece of debris that I can lean on. That gives me a chance to rest my tired legs and gives me a little support. I mentally and physically feel better but I'm still aware of the water surrounding me. Other times (when Jaycee's completely healthy), I am in a boat safe and secure. I'm completely at rest. I am happy and peaceful. Sometimes, a hole develops in the boat (I learn of a problem) and I begin to fear the time I'll be treading water once again. Other times, the boat simply rips apart (a sudden health crisis). I am suddenly back treading water working to keep myself afloat. Sometimes I am still very tired from the last time I was treading water, but it doesn't matter. I am back in this position and I have to do what needs to be done.
We got the sleep study results back this week and the results indicated her apnea is getting worse. So, I am treading water right now. I don't know how long I'll feel that way. I will pray, read scriptures, and do whatever it takes to help me find that boat so I can be in a better place for my family.