Tuesday, April 12, 2016

A Mother's Thoughts When Her Child Doesn't Speak

When your child has delays in language, you experience many emotions and thoughts as a mother. When my daughter was born with Down syndrome, I knew she would have delayed language as children with Down syndrome begin speaking at a later age. However, that later age came and went with no words.

Today at age 10, my daughter says about 20 words clearly. She communicates mostly with sign language and her speech generating communication device. She is approximating more words than ever in the past year as she tries to make the vowel sounds in words while leaving off the consonant sounds.

I have had 10 years raising a child who was classified as either nonverbal or minimally verbal. As a speech-language pathologist working with toddlers, I am in constant contact with mothers who are concerned about their child's talking. With these experiences in mind, here are common thoughts a mother has as she waits for her child to speak.

1. "My child isn't talking, but it's still early."
This is the time when the mother starts to notice some delays with their child's language and speech. These are the early concerns. Some mothers at this point might seek help and have their child's development evaluated. Others might brush off these concerns and give the child more time.

When Jaycee didn't speak early on, I tried to find other reasons to be hopeful. When she learned the sign for more, I took comfort in the fact that she could learn language if she wasn't saying it.

2. "My child still isn't talking. She should be talking by now. Why isn't she talking?"
After some time, this stage of thought starts and lasts months or years. This is when a mother begins to question things they see or hear (or don't see and hear). By this time, the mother has most likely evaluated their child's language and has started some type of intervention. The mother is starting to get very worried as they see their child's peers saying much more than their child. The delays are becoming obvious to the mother and other people. This causes the mother stress and anxiety as their child's future may not seem to be taking a perfect path.

When Jaycee was 2.5 years old and only saying a couple of words, I had these thoughts often. I was stressed and worried about her. I threw myself into helping her at home working with her on sign language, oral-motor exercises, and verbal speech drills. I was convinced that I could do something to change the situation.

3. "A new sound/word! I heard it! It's coming!"
There will be a point when the child might say something new. Perhaps it's a new sound or noise. Perhaps, it is a new word. It will be exciting because you have been waiting for this moment. It will give you hope. It is the positive moment in your child's life that you have been waiting for. It will be met with celebration.

From here, mothers tend to take two routes. For some mothers, their child will go on to improve and speak. Their worries will slowly die down as their child begins saying more and the delays get smaller. For others like myself, the new word or sound stays just one word or sound. Nothing happens after that. This victory is short lived. Those of us mothers who continue waiting for a significant amount of words will continue on this thought process.

I remember the time Jaycee said "mama." I had waited for that word. It was exciting! Not only was it a new word but it was also the first time she had made a /m/ sound. I had reason to believe that Jaycee would now start saying more words and sounds. More words did come but months between them. Nothing happened quickly.

4. "She's not really talking yet. Something is seriously wrong."
By this stage, there is a minority of mothers who still find themselves with a child with minimal or no words in their spoken vocabulary well past the age of when these language milestones should occur. At this point, the mother realizes that something is very wrong. There has to be an underlying reason why the child isn't speaking. Now, the mother might seek out a second opinion, ask for more speech therapy, ask for a new treatment approach, or seriously consider alternative methods of communication. Tough decisions may have to be made and the mother may find themselves stressed at times over this thought.

When Jaycee was 5 years old and barely saying anything, I sought out a second opinion from someone with more expertize in this area. I was done waiting for words to come. It turns out my concerns were valid as Jaycee was diagnosed by the second opinion with severe childhood apraxia of speech, which was no surprise to me. It was then that we started the process to obtain Jaycee's communication device.

5. "My child may never be verbal."
Now years into a journey, a mother has come to the realization that their child may never talk at all or very little. This is a painful time for the mother. While this thought has always been in her head, the mother is now fully accepting this idea and coming to terms with what this may mean. This will affect the child's future educational and vocational options. This may also affect the child's ability to live independently. The mother does keep some hope of their child saying new words but some realistic expectations are now the focus.

For me, I had to sit with this thought for sometime to fully comprehend it. Even though this thought had caused me great fear years prior, it was now evident that it had validity. What did it mean for me and Jaycee if she never really talked? The scenaros played out in my head for months. I learned that I wasn't giving up on Jaycee talking if I accepted the fact that she never become very verbal.

6. "My child isn't talking much but any communication is good."
The thoughts in this stage with the mother revolve around thankfulness. Their child may not talk, so the mother is thankful for the things that she can do. The child may be using sign language, pictures, communication devices, or simple gestures to communicate. For the things the child can do, the mother is thankful. After years of hoping and dealing with emotions related to talking, the mother has reached a new level in her thinking. She is not focused on what the child is not doing but on what the child can communicate. When friends or family ask about why the child isn't speaking, the mother can talk about it plainly and without emotion.

For me, I went through this stage with Jaycee when she was about 8 years old. I didn't feel the need to compare her to other children anymore. I didn't feel guilty for not working on her language and speech at home. I started fully encouraging a total communication approach (sign language, spoken words, gestures, communication device). I was grateful that Jaycee had ways to communicate with me. Words didn't seem as important as communication in general.

7. "My child will probably not be able to have a conversation with me, but that's fine."
After years of hard work, questions, fears, and opinions, a mother has now come to the last stage. As she has watched her child grow older, the mother has truly come to terms with the fact that their child may never talk enough to hold an actual conversation. This now seems like a fact and not a loss. Her child is still her child with or without speech. They have found ways to communicate and bond that surpass words.

For me, this has been the last stage. As Jaycee has developed a small vocabulary, I doubt that Jaycee will ever speak in sentences or hold a conversation with me using words. But, it's ok. I'm not sad about it. We have our inside jokes, special sayings, and ways to communicate. Jaycee says what she can say and that's fine.

If you are a mom worried about your child not talking, hang in there. It's not easy. But, I can tell you that your perspective will change even if your child doesn't. No matter where you are on this thought process, then just know that you are not alone!

1 comment:

  1. As I read this I could hear my heart thumping in my ears. I have a daughter who is developmentally delayed and by coincidence posted a post about boosting speech and language just this week. I am no expert, a mother like yourself trying to support my daughters progress. I can echo a lot of what you wrote, the worries, the excitement and sometimes sadness.

    I admire your strength in acceptance and relaxing into a holisitc communication style. As long as you and your family can communicate with her that is the main thing.

    My daughter has delayed motor skills and so signing has not been a viable option. She is however making some steady progress. Im glad I came across your blog, lovely to connect x

    ps the post I was talking about: http://caringinthechaos.co.uk/10-tips-to-boost-speech-and-language-in-your-toddler/



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