Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Where is God when...

Where is God when Jaycee is turning blue from respiratory distress?
Where is God when Jaycee had heart surgeries?
Where is God when my little girl is in pain?
Where is God when we are rushing to the emergency room?

These types of questions have popped in my mind often since having Jaycee. Sometimes, the question was a whisper. It was something I could ignore or easily refute. I knew God was with me.

Other times, the question was screaming in my head making me doubt everything I believed and understood about my Christianity. The question tainted how I saw the world. It made me see nothing good in my life because the problems were so huge. I stumbled around day to day going to church, reading my Bible, and asking for wisdom during trials with Jaycee with lots of doubt hanging over me.

Here's the one thing I have discovered.  When I doubt God's place in my life, I become completely hopeless....about everything.

And that's not a good spot to be in.

Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the Lord. Psalms 31:24

I've blogged previously abut how I don't blame God for medical issues that happen in Jaycee's life. I think some things just happen,. While I don't play the blame game anymore, there are moments when I look around and try to find God during a crisis.

So, as I reflect back on Jaycee's 2 weeks and 5 days in the hospital, I will answer the questions:
 Where was God when all that craziness was happening? Where was God when Jaycee was in respiratory failure and on a ventilator? Where was God when her blood pressure was going too low? Where was God when Jaycee was crying in sadness in ICU? Where was God when I was feeling all alone and scared?

  • When Jaycee's breathing was going downhill at 3 in the morning, I was alone in Jaycee's room praying. I felt alone in my stress and worry as I prayed that the ventilator they were threatening would not happen. I thought about calling my sick husband, who was a few blocks away in a hotel, but I didn't want to wake him up. I didn't want to wake anyone up with this news but I needed someone to talk to me. Then at 4:52 am, my phone vibrated. My friend from church, Amanda, sent me a scripture through a text message. I don't know if that's a normal time for her to send a message, but I'm assuming not. I was so happy to have someone awake I could reach out to about this situation, since at that point I was the only one aware of it! I needed that text at that hour. That was a moment from God.
  • During my two hours of praying against the ventilator and reading scriptures, I pleaded with God that Jaycee would not need the ventilator. Then finally, a thought came, "What if the ventilator is what she needs? She might need it to get better." It wasn't the answer I was looking for but the thought was from God. It was preparation. She would be fine even if medically she went down a road I didn't want her to go down.
  • A short time later, a text message from Amanda again that encouraged me to listen to God. "It's ok if He says yes" that she needs the ventilator. Confirmation of a thought that came to me earlier! And a God moment.
  • When my husband and I were sitting in the parent lounge while the doctors were sedating Jaycee, putting in her feeding tube, and intubating her, I was nervous but calm. Then the doctor came out to tell us Jaycee's blood pressure was dropping and wanted permission to put in an arterial line. That was my breaking point. I cried. I let it all out and the words, "I can't do this again," came out of my mouth. I wanted to give up because I knew the days ahead would be really hard. My husband encouraged me. Then the Unspoken song "Good Fight" came to mind. The song stayed with me for days; it was God in the song. Here's some of the lyrics.
"Good Fight"
Until you stop breathing
Until you stop bleeding
Until your heart stops kick-drum beating
When it's hard times
When it's long days
And the enemy is right up in your face
When your back's against the ropes and you're feeling all alone

Keep fighting the good fight (Never give up, never give up)
Keep letting your light shine (Holding it high as long as you live)
'Cause I'm never gonna leave you
Always gonna see you through to the other side
Keep fighting the good fight, fighting the good, fighting the good fight, good fight

Even in the road blocks (yeah)
Even through the rough spots
When you're feeling you've given all that you've got
I'm with you in the next step
Giving you in the next breath
I'll be the voice saying "You're gonna make it"
When you're out there on your own
You are never alone
  • Then a few days later, I was listening to the JOY FM Christian radio station on my short 8 mile drive to the hospital from our campsite. And what song should come on the radio? Yep, "Good Fight" came on. God was with me on that drive. It was a powerful moment that brought tears to my eyes.
  • God was there when people messaged me prayers and scriptures at all hours of the day.
  • When I got the phrase "God's got this" messaged to me from 3 different people, I knew it was a God thing after the second one. It's not a common phrase people message me. Amazing!
  • When people reported to me they were awakened in the middle of the night to pray for Jaycee, it was proof God was in our situation.
  • And of course, Jaycee getting better and getting discharged from the hospital was a God moment.

So there was God in our hospital admission.

He did not show up in a miraculous move healing Jaycee on the spot and saving us from all those heartaches and tears. That seems to be the thing people look for during a medical crisis: a huge, major victory.

If that is the only version of God you allow yourself to have, you will miss all the little, powerful, and meaningful God moments.

So, I know where God was in our situation. I have no doubt He was there.

Will you be willing to look for Him in your situation?

Jaycee getting therapy post ventilator while she was in the hospital

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