God Speaks-Special Needs Edition: Part 3

Welcome to part 3 of a series highlighting how God speaks to people. As a Christian mother raising a child with special and medical needs, I have to hear God's voice. I need God's wisdom and encouragement to raise my daughter and serve my family well. 

As a Christian, I understand God wants to have relationship with people. He wants to speak to those he has created. The Bible tells how God has spoken to people in the past. It also provides insight into how God communicates to people even today. There are numerous examples to look at in the Bible. In previous posts, I have discussed how God speaks through dreams and other people. In this post, I'll share some ways that God has used things in the world to speak to me. 

Photo by Adam Kontor from Pexels

There are many examples in the Bible of God using things in the world to speak to people. After the flood, God put a rainbow in the sky to convey a promise. Moses saw a burning bush that wasn't consumed. It caught his attention, and then God spoke to him. When Saul ripped the robe of Samuel, Samuel had a message for Saul from God: “The Lord has torn the kingdom of Israel from you today and has given it to someone else—one who is better than you." (I Samuel 15:27) These are just some examples of things happening in nature or in real life that carried a deeper meaning. Here are three examples from my own life on this topic:

An Annoying Bird

In 2006, a bird was tormenting me. I suppose the first thing you need to know about me is that I dislike birds. For weeks, a cardinal bird was repeatedly banging into windows at my house. My displeasure for birds only made this situation more annoying. The internet suggested that the bird running into my window wasn't too uncommon. From what I read, it seemed the bird was seeing its own reflection in the window and, thinking it was another bird, was defending itself. The bird just didn't peck and run into one window. It seemed to follow me around the house. It would run into Jaycee's bedroom window for hours, my bedroom, the basement, or the kitchen. It drove me crazy. 

At the same time, Jaycee was just a few months old and getting ready for her first open heart surgery. I was dealing with a lot at that time. I was a few months in to adjusting to the news of Down syndrome and a heart defect. I was giving medications and bottles around-the-clock. I was exhausted and stressed, as anyone would be in my situation. I was also tormented in my thoughts, and I struggled with fear with the health situations we were facing as a family. 

I am a person who looks for signs of God in my everyday life. After a while, I wondered if the bird meant something deeper. It certainly tormented me-much like all the other stressors in my life. I have a Christian signs and symbols book I reference from time to time. I recall looking up the meaning of a cardinal and discovering it can represent Satan. It seemed like the perfect explanation of what was happening in my life. Much like that bird attacking my innocent house, I felt like I was being attacked (and my daughter) out of nowhere. I had never dealt with so much stress in my life. My mind was being battered with thoughts that didn't come from God. I know they weren't from God because they were full of fear, worry, and anxiety. I felt a parallel with the bird's persistence at my windows to Satan's persistence with my thoughts and faith. 

Interestingly enough, when we came home from the hospital from her heart surgery, the bird was suddenly gone. 

Smoke Signals

Probably somewhere around 10 years ago, I picked up Jaycee from my mom's house and headed home. As I left, I saw smoke in the distance. I live in a rural area where sometimes people burn brush piles or farm fields, so smoke is not uncommon. The smoke can be seen from miles and miles away. On this particular day, the smoke seemed to be in the direction of my grandma's house. I had a bunch of thoughts come to mind with concerns about my grandmother and the fire's location. I sped up as I made my way down the road that passed by her house. As I got closer, I realized I had clearly misjudged where the fire was. The fire was miles and miles away from grandma's house. She was safe, and my worries for her were unfounded. 

As I continued on my way home, God spoke to me about what I had observed. Smoke does not always mean danger and loss. Sometimes, fires are planned and controlled burns do good. Smoke can look threatening to outsiders far away but it may not be. In fact, sometimes the smoke is a large puff, high in the sky making one think the fire is a huge disaster, yet the fire is quite small and contained. 

At that stage of my life, Jaycee's medical diagnoses were causing me to freak out completely. I easily jumped to worst case scenarios in my head. The congestive heart failure, Down syndrome, open heart surgery, oxygen use, and other issues were weighing on me. I was worried about so many things. Any new issue that popped up felt gigantic and too much for me to process. I blew some symptoms or issues out of proportion. I worried about Jaycee passing away; it was a real threat in my mind. The fact that doctors are required to give you odds, risks, and chances of death in procedures most likely fueled that fire (so to speak). 

God used my reaction to that smoke as a way to recognize my own reactions and fears with Jaycee. Not everything that seems horrifically out of control is. Not every symptom or issue was uncontrollable or untreatable. Jaycee's conditions weren't necessarily an impending disaster. I was over-reacting and jumping to poor conclusions much like I did when I saw that smoke in the direction of my grandma's house. Ultimately, God wanted me to examine my thoughts, start taking some of them captive, and not let fear run my mind. 

A Re-Occurring Date

October 19th is a "sign" that I didn't see right away. In 2013, Jaycee survived a 4 week nightmare battling septic shock, ARDS, respiratory failure, pneumonia, and rhinovirus. She required a ventilator for 3 weeks and was touch-and-go a few times. It was a happy day when she was discharged from the hospital on October 19, 2013. 

A year later, Jaycee was baptized at our church on October 19th. This date just happened by chance; I didn't plan it at all. It wasn't until later that I realized her baptism and her discharge date were the same day. When I discovered the linkage, I felt like God was redeeming her life, especially after all she had been through medically.  

A few years later, I was standing in Jaycee's room gazing at the picture of her baptism. My eyes were drawn towards a memory box hanging on the wall too. The memory box had her newborn hospital bracelets and ultrasound that indicated that Jaycee would be a girl. For some reason, I noticed the date on the ultrasound. And there it was- October 19, 2005. 

I had to laugh when I saw the date. To me, it was a sign that God had many things lined up in our lives. There was an order in all of the chaos. The pictures on the wall were taken 9 years apart on the same day and brought me comfort knowing that God was working behind the scenes all along.  

There are dozens of other things I could share on this post, but I will leave it at this. I believe there are things that happen in this world that we can learn from and God can use to speak to us. I hope you are willing to stop, see them, and hear God. I hope you visit back for part 4 in this series. 

God Speaks-Special Needs Edition: Part 2

Welcome to part 2 of a series highlighting how God speaks to people. As a Christian mother raising a child with special and medical needs, I have to hear God's voice. I have to know his heart for me and my child.

I understand God wants to have relationship with people. He wants to speak to those he has created. The Bible tells us how God has spoken to people in the past. It also provides insight into how God communicates to people today. There are numerous examples to look at in the Bible. In part one, I shared about previous experiences with God speaking to me through dreams. In this post, I'll share some ways that God used other people to speak to me. 

Photo by Min An from Pexels

There are many examples in the Bible of God using the interactions between two people to accomplish something great. Eli told Hannah that God would grant her request (1 Samuel 1). He didn't even know what she was praying about, but those words eased her out of sorrow. God did grant her request just as Eli proclaimed. David and Jonathan were friends who worked together to take care of each other and encourage one another (1 Samuel 20). Paul's writings in the New Testament show how he communicated with other believers to help their relationship with God. Several prophets in the Bible spoke messages from God to people to encourage, warn, or direct them (i.e. Nathan in 2 Samuel, Elijah in 1 Kings, Jeremiah, Isaiah). 

For me, it has been imperative to have relationships with other Christians who can speak into my life from the depth of their knowledge about God. I do not have a long list of friends, but the Christian friends I do have know how to pray and speak words of encouragement. I don't know how many times I have been caring for Jaycee at home or in the hospital, and I get a phone call or text message at just the right moment. Sometimes, the text contains scriptures that relate to the situation, and sometimes it's just their own inspired words. Similarly, I have listened to a Christian podcast or a sermon at the perfect time to allow God to speak into my life regarding a situation with my child. 

A few specific examples

In July 2006, Jaycee was 4 months old. She was on oxygen from her first open heart surgery. At the time, I was a youth minister leading a church camp for our kids. The kids at the church knew some of Jaycee's health issues and had watched me take care of Jaycee during camp. During one of the evening services, several kids' hearts broke for Jaycee, and they wanted to pray for her. I brought Jaycee to the altar for them to pray. A sweet girl looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Just because she's sick doesn't mean God doesn't love her." 

You may think that statement was juvenile, but it meant the world to me. I was in the 4th month of struggling to process all of Jaycee's diagnoses and sudden turn of events. The shock of her diagnoses was the first real testing of my faith. That girl's words of revelation spoken aloud was exactly what I needed to hear. My daughter's health was not a barometer of God's love. 

In 2015, I was exhausted with Jaycee's medical scares and breathing issues/hospital admissions. Nights were horrible for me. I had several bad dreams, some of which were about the hospital. My body would become so tense during these dreams. By morning, I would wake up with parts of my body hurting so badly from being held tight all night. 

I decided I needed to have someone at church pray with me. That person shared with me ways to pray over myself. She encouraged me not to let these dreams become an open door for fear to breed. She also said, "Your body hasn't caught up with your spirit yet." That was a revelation for me. I hadn't thought about my spirit and body not synching up at the same time. 

Another time in 2015, I had someone pray for me after a serious ICU stay with Jaycee. I didn't know the person on the ministry team praying for me. She told me that I had an easy laugh. It was true. I laugh very easily. I tend to laugh when I am nervous, sad, upset, and happy. My husband and I try to find humor in all of our crazy situations -probably a coping mechanism. The ministry person said, "Laughter is your weapon. The devil thinks you have nothing to laugh about. Your laughter confuses him." I loved hearing this perspective, and I saw my laughter so differently after that interaction. It was even more meaningful because the Lord had clearly revealed that piece about my life to her. 

A dozen times, I have had people tell me that God considers me a strong person. They all add that I may not see myself as strong, but God does. This repeated message is just another sign that God is moving others to encourage me and build me up. 

Over and over again, God has used other people to speak to me. There are more examples than this, but I wanted to highlight just a few. I am grateful for those people who have felt God's nudging and were obedient to his voice. 

There is more coming to this series. Please check back for part 3. 

God Speaks-Special Needs Edition: Part 1

If you aren't familiar with the Christian faith, this post may seem a bit odd. In fact, this whole series I plan to write will probably feel very strange. Stay with me, and I will try to guide you through this very complicated and simplistic topic of how God speaks to people.

God is real and active today. As a Christian, I understand God wants to have relationship with people. He wants to speak to those he has created. The Bible tells how God spoke to people in the past. It also provides insight into how God communicates to people even today. There are numerous examples to look at in the Bible. Today's post will look at God speaking specifically through dreams. As this series goes along, we will look at other ways God speaks as I give examples from my own life. 

Let's start with this passage in Job that shares that God speaks to us.  

For God speaks again and again,

    though people do not recognize it.
15 He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night,
    when deep sleep falls on people
    as they lie in their beds.
16 He whispers in their ears
    and terrifies them with warnings.
17 He makes them turn from doing wrong;
    he keeps them from pride.
18 He protects them from the grave,
    from crossing over the river of death.

Job 33:14-18 NLT

God can speak to us through our dreams. Sometimes, the dreams are given as a warning or to prepare us for the future. In Genesis 40, Joseph interprets Pharaoh's dreams, which ended up predicting the future and giving wisdom for how to deal with an upcoming famine. Dreams can send other messages too. Jacob had a dream about angels on a stairway and received a word of promise from God. (Genesis 28) Joseph received instruction on where to go with his wife and baby Jesus in dreams more than once (Matthew 2). There are other examples in the Bible of God speaking through dreams. 

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And God Speaks: Dreams

I have experienced dreams from God many times. I dream regularly at night. My husband claims he rarely has dreams. Neither of us can quite relate to the other's experience. Though I often dream at night, only once in a while do I recognize a dream as being from God. My husband has asked me how I can tell the difference between regular dreams and Godly dreams. For me, it's an easy thing to distinguish. 

The dreams I receive from God are very vivid. There's a difference in the way they "feel." The most distinguishing factor though is the amount of the dream I can recall when I wake up. A dream from God sticks with me. I wake up thinking about it and remembering almost all of it. I want to meditate on the dream. Sometimes parts of the dream are repeated, which is a clear sign it's from God. It's pretty easy for me to recognize a God dream now, especially because I have had so many in the past. 

Once I feel like I have a dream from God, I start looking for the meaning. Sometimes, the meaning is simple and the message clear. Other times, I have to sift through layers of the dream and seek the meaning in prayer. I have a Christian symbols book that I sometimes consult when deciphering the dreams. The book has helped in some cases and brought confusion in others. I use the book as a reference and not the final authority. Sometimes, I share the dream with other Christians (like my father) and see what they think the interpretation is. In the past few years, I have found I often get the answer when I sit down and write out the dream with as much detail as I can. Usually after that, the answer comes without really trying. I don't know why that works, but it does for me. 

Some of the dreams I receive are short. Others are long. Some are bizarre, and others beautifully crafted. Since becoming a parent to a child with special and medical needs, I have had dozens of dreams from God. Today, I am sharing a few with you as well as my interpretation of the dream. 

The Twins, Sept. 2008

The dream: I gave birth to twins (a boy and a girl). They needed to be in the hospital for a few weeks, but I wouldn't go and see them. The doctors asked that me and all of our family come to the hospital to do a trial day of taking care of them. Their beds were going to be in the waiting room. The dream ends with me never seeing either of them. 

My interpretation: Ten days prior to this dream, I had suffered a miscarriage. I was already a mother to Jaycee at the time, and we were trying for our second child. I had many reservations about having a second baby. Jaycee's Down syndrome, congestive heart failure, and 2 open heart surgeries had made me fearful of having a second child. When the second pregnancy abruptly ended, I felt more fearful and confused. Nothing about motherhood seemed easy for me. 

To me, this dream was a message from God about what had just happened and what was going to happen. One baby was with God now, and I have to wait for our reunion in heaven to meet her/him. The second baby was coming one day, and I was in the state of waiting for that baby. The doctor represented God as my healer and was telling me to move forward. Babies are also a sign of a new beginning. This dream was a full confirmation that I shouldn't be afraid to try again. 

A House Nearly Destroyed, June 2019

The dream: I was leaving our house to pick up some food. I started to get into my vehicle to leave when I heard a loud sound. I looked up and in the distance there was a wooded area. One by one, I watched as the trees were falling down. The noise was ferocious, and it scared me. I thought an earthquake was occurring, and I was filled with anxiety. I raced back into the house yelling for my husband to warn him. I was panicking and trying to figure out what to do. My father, who was in the house, told me, "You tell it to stop." I started screaming, "Stop!" "Devil, you stop!" I screamed this as loud as I could while standing in the house. 

When I stopped screaming, one final tree finished falling, and the top of that tree came just inside an open window of the house. The destruction and loud noises all stopped. We walked around the house as I looked to see what was destroyed of ours. I was expecting to find severe damage. As we tour the house, the only damage was superficial and cosmetic. 

My interpretation: This dream occurred following weeks of stress. Jaycee had been having breathing issues for several weeks that required lots of monitoring and interventions from me. She was admitted into the hospital briefly before finally getting better. This dream was a direct message for me and how I respond to those health scares. I tend to panic and be frightened during Jaycee's illnesses. I am always worried that Jaycee's life is going to end in one of these illnesses (i.e. the part of the dream where I expect severe damage). In fact, some destructive things happen to Jaycee and our family as a result but our foundation is secure and safe. My father in the dream represented God. He was telling me to use the authority that God has given me. I don't need to call on others to pray or intercede for Jaycee. I can do it; I just need to speak and quit panicking. Fun fact: May 2019 (just before this dream) was the last time Jaycee was admitted to the hospital as of the writing of this. Praises!

A Heart Issue, Nov. 2020

This was an odd night where I had 3 different dreams. 

Dream 1: My son Elijah is in a hospital bed located in a gymnasium. He's going to die of a heart problem. Knowing this, I ask the only other person in the room if I can call other people to be with us. The man warns me, "If you call someone, make sure they can make the right decision when the time comes." I call no one. Elijah's heart stops on the monitor. I put my hand on his chest, and he revives immediately. I hold him in my arms knowing that he is going to die. Elijah looks very sick and has his eyes focused on me, playing with my hair as he slips off. I am sad for Elijah. 

I wake up very alarmed with this dream. It took me quite awhile to get back to sleep. When I did, the next dreams happened. 

Dream 2 & 3: I'm in a nursing home. My grandma (who had recently passed away in real life) was near death in the hospital bed. She falls out of the bed, and my daughter Jaycee climbs in it. Jaycee is going to die of a heart problem, but we are both at peace. I never touch her or react. 

Suddenly, I'm at work doing a speech therapy home visit. A toddler crawls into the room. He is deformed and very sickly. I scoop him up in my arms and try to comfort him. My co-worker and I try to figure out who this child is and who he belongs to. We eventually find his mother and start trying to talk to her about him. She gives us no attention and walks away. She knows her child will die of a heart problem and doesn't want to hear any hope we have to tell her. 

My interpretation: I struggled at first to understand this night of dreams. After the first dream, I was immediately worried for Elijah. I thought it was a literal warning for his health. Whenever I woke up from that first dream, I started praying for Elijah. I struggled to go back to sleep because I was so upset from the dream. It scared me. I drifted off back to sleep and had the last two parts of the dream. When I woke up that morning, I knew they were all related but was unsure of the meaning. By the end of the day, I felt I had the message. 

All 3 dreams featured a serious condition that was life and death. My reaction in the dreams was the focus. In the first dream, I saw success in ministering to my son (his heart revived) but it's short lived. I resigned to the fact that he would die. My first action (touching his chest) produced a positive change. However, my next action was to hold him and do nothing. This is an issue I've had in the past with situations with Jaycee. I'm full of faith and encouraged when a challenging issue turns around. But, if I'm challenged again too quickly, my faith is low, and I'm drained. The warning the man gave in the first dream was interesting and probably good advice. 

In the second dream, my emotions are better in that I have peace. My emotions don't dictate what I do. However, I don't do anything. I never use my faith or touch her. In the last part of the dream, I'm in my regular work setting with a co-worker, which makes me think I found someone to co-labor with (possibly a reference to the man's warning in the first dream). I take action in this dream. I don't get depressed or sad. I feel the urgency to do something. I hold this toddler the same way I held Elijah in the first dream, but this time I do it with a different posture. I seek the mother but I don't share with her about God's power to change the situation. 

The three dreams show growth in my actions and reactions. It also seems to indicate that I am ready to go beyond helping my family to ministering to other people. The dream is a reminder to use my faith, not be too emotional in situations, and to take action!

Parting thoughts

It is my hope in sharing these dreams with you that you can recognize God's attempts to speak through dreams. The scripture I shared in Job says that God speaks but people fail to recognize it. It's easy to blow off dreams and disregard some as simply strange. Other people may tell you the dreams mean nothing too. I hope that by sharing my experiences, you can learn how to apply this in your own life. 

Stay tuned for part 2 in this series! 

Blessings and Adversities: Living Through Both with God

Have you ever read the book of Job in the Bible and just been puzzled? I mean usually the first chapter in Job just confuses me. In the past, I have been super focused on the fact that God is having a conversation with Satan that I couldn't see anything else in this scripture. Why would God allow Satan to talk with Him? And why would God "allow" Satan to torment Job?

I have always read those first few chapters that describe the beginning of Job's trial with such perplexion that I missed something important until recently.

If you aren't familiar with the story of Job, let's review it quickly. In Job 1 (NKJV), we find God being so impressed with Job that He brings him up to Satan as an example of someone who fears God. Then this happens:

⁹ So Satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for nothing? ¹⁰ Have You not made a hedge around him, around his household, and around all that he has on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. ¹¹ But now, stretch out Your hand and touch all that he has, and he will surely curse You to Your face!”

Then Job's children were killed. He lost his donkey, sheep, camels, and servants. He lost most of what was near and dear to him that day. Yet, verse 22 tells us Job didn't sin or charge God with any wrong.

Then once again in Job 2, Satan is back again. God brags on Job's response (my interpretation) despite Satan's horrible attack on Job. Then this is said:

⁴ So Satan answered the Lord and said, “Skin for skin! Yes, all that a man has he will give for his life. ⁵ But stretch out Your hand now, and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will surely curse You to Your face!”

Job then suffered painful boils all over his body.  

These two chapters have always baffled me. Really, I still don't have good answers for some of my questions, but I have realized something new. These chapters show how and why Satan attacks.

Satan wants to draw people away from God. Specifically, he wants them to curse God. Job's wife took the bait because she encouraged Job to curse God and die (Job 2:9). Apparently, she had all she could take and thought Job should give up completely. She had lost her children, wealth, and watched her husband endure pain. Job's wife wondered where God was in all this suffering and time of need. She fell for Satan's tricks because she had lost sight of the bigger picture. Her husband did not, however. Job replied in Job 2:10: 

Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity? 

Let's go back to Satan's strategy, which was to get Job to curse God by first taking away everything he had. Satan told God that Job had lived with so much protection and blessing that he would curse God if it were stripped away. It's a trick that works on so many people but not Job. 

How many people in life do you know that have given up on God because of a tragedy in their life? A loved one unexpectantly dies, a natural disaster destroys property, one's child is diagnosed with cancer, a couple has infertility issues, or financial difficulties become the reason why people question God. It's easy to serve God when things are going well. The harder time to push through is when things don't make sense, life doesn't seem fair, and our heart hurts. Satan knows this too well, and he uses the bad stuff in our lives to trip us up and make us believe God doesn't care, God isn't near, and a loving God would never allow such evil to happen in our lives. 

But Job was not rocked by the first attack. So, Satan came at him again attacking his own health- making his life miserable and painful. Satan knew that Job would be pushed to a new level if his own life and health were in jeopardy. The rest of Job does go on to explain how he feels, reacts, and copes with all his loses, but Job knew the secret to worshiping God- do it in good times and in bad. 

Here again, we see the second attack and can think of people we know who have struggled with it. How many men and women have lost their faith because of a personal health crisis, chronic pain, or life threatening diagnosis? Satan knows that these are the moments when you will have doubts, fears, and questions about God. He is banking on you to curse God and give up.

(By the way, don't read into what I am not saying. This post today is not describing why bad things happen. That's another topic all together. Most people want to know: Is it God, the Devil, or something else? This post is about our reactions to situations that aren't pleasant. To read more about figuring out the "why" behind events in our lives, please read my post: Does God Make Down syndrome?)

I have to say I have fallen for one of these strategies. When my daughter was born with Down syndrome, a heart defect, and in congestive heart failure, I was so confused and crushed that my innocent child would be born with life-long and life-threatening conditions. I let the questions and doubts infiltrate my mind and thinking until I was in such a confused state about my faith. I wondered where God was when my child was suffering through open heart surgeries. I have never cursed God and given up, but my faith in God couldn't grow because I was too focused on my own pain and situation to simply believe.

Time and time again, I have had many doubts in health crises with Jaycee. Illnesses that required time in the ICU have been emotionally and physically draining, and it is easy to question the goodness of God when a loved one is suffering in the hospital. I think the normal response to bad events in our lives is to lose hope, drown in fear, and reflect on unanswerable questions. But God calls us to something else. We are after all suppose to live in the world but not of it.

We have to know that the foundation of our faith is abiding in Him no matter what happens in life. God is the answer period. He is not the person to get frustrated with when things aren't going right. He is the person to lean into when things don't make sense.

If we only believe the gospel is here to help us or prevent tragedies in our life, then what do we believe anyway? If we are only with God when He is "blessing" us, then what does that say? If we are with God to only receive His blessings and protection, then we aren't loving God with the right motive.

The feelings we have in challenging situations should not dictate our relationship with God. If challenges take us away from God, then the true intentions of our heart are revealed and our spiritual roots are not deep. We must endure with God through the good and the adversity. If we give into the doubts and all the other tricks of Satan, then we are falling straight where he wants us to be. He wants our relationship with God to be destroyed. Don't let him do that! When you feel frustrated, continue to pray. When you are confused, keep going. It's too important to stop growing in God.

Job ended up with more possessions and wealth at the end of the story than at the beginning. He had to endure much pain and time to get to that point where what he had was restored, but he made it to the end. He didn't give up when it looked like there was no hope.

Believe in God. No matter what happens. Don't fall for some of the oldest tricks in the book. 

When You Doubt God

There is a place where darkness slowly creeps in to your life. You might have a strong faith in God, hope for your future, and an optimistic outlook. Then something happens to change that.

A small shadow of darkness is cast into your otherwise bright heart. Then the shadow grows and grows. The tiny dark areas that were noticeable but manageable weren't worrisome, but then one day they seem to take up more and more space casting more darkness in your heart.

Maybe it's not a big change at first. Then weeks, months, or years later you realize something has happened. The light that once guided you is now a small flicker that barely cuts through the darkness that ruins so many wonderful things about life.

Doubt is a horrible thing that brings darkness into our lives. It might begin with a thought such as: Why did this happen? Where's God while I'm suffering? God, do you hear my prayers? Nothing is going right in my life.

Doubt threatens a person's faith. It makes you question things you never once questioned. It gives you thoughts that never would have entered your mind under normal circumstances. Doubt changes your attitude. Doubt reminds you of past hurts. Doubt easily finds the negatives in a situation.

Doubt is an illness that attacks a person's faith. Sometimes, it's a temporary illness causing some momentarily damage to one's faith, but the person recovers fully with no long term effects. Sometimes, it's a chronic condition that a person must wrestle with the rest of their lives because it was never treated properly. These people want to love and serve God, but they can't get beyond some things they don't understand in their lives. Other times, doubt causes debilitating flare-ups that are triggered by some event that causes emotional and mental difficulty for the Christian trying to believe through some difficult circumstances. Sometimes, it kills a person's faith causing them to walk away from God or church.

I hope you are not like me.

I hope you have never sat in a room feeling like God is no where no close to you.

I hope you have never doubted your faith. Watching someone you love suffer brings opportunities for doubt to enter. I want to logically and spiritually understand why "bad" things happen especially to "innocent" people (like babies). I want to know why sickness attacks my daughter again and again. I want to understand the reason for the pain and trauma.

In wanting to understand, I allow doubt to enter. I find myself questioning God and having thoughts about Him I have never had. My mind takes me in circles, and I can't make sense of anything. And, it's all because of doubt. That's not a good place for anyone.

That's when I hope you are like me.

I hope you have learned to recognize doubt for what it is. I hope you know to put a stop to the thoughts that pull you from God. I hope you have strength to pray, attend church, and read scripture when it feels like nothing is coming from it. I hope you make honest statements to God and ask Him for help and faith to believe. I hope you cut yourself some slack and realize that even people like John the Baptist had moments when they doubted (Luke 7:20). I hope you can stop the doubt, remind yourself of the things God has done in your life, and not let doubt become a chronic condition.

In case you need reminded, God is real. He cares, and He is your solution to your problems.

³ My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One^[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42 (NIV)

Keeping Your Faith When Life Tries to Take It

I know I can be strong. I also know I can be broken.

Life hasn't been easy since becoming a parent over a decade ago. In fact, it's been very, very challenging. Yet, I still have faith in the goodness of God and consider myself a Christian.

My faith in God was strong when my husband and I were looking forward to the birth of our first child. At that time, I would have described myself as a very carefree, optimistic, and joyful person.

When Jaycee was born, I was 25 years old, and it would be my first big crisis of belief. I was expecting to deliver a healthy baby girl and return back at my job in a school a couple of months later. But that isn't what happened.

Instead, Jaycee was born and sent straight to the NICU for 10 days. She was diagnosed with Down syndrome, AV canal heart defect, pulmonary hypertension, and congestive heart failure before we left the hospital. I came home with a baby who needed intensive care, lots of medications, and an open heart surgery.

Having a child with a life threatening condition made me a mess. At the same time, I was also hopeful. I know it doesn't make sense. In the beginning there was faith inside of me that rose up. I prayed, spoke scriptures, and even fasted over her. I leaned upon some of that optimism that came naturally. At the same time, depression started to creep in. This feeling was new to me, and I didn't recognize it right away. I was overwhelmed and shocked by my baby's diagnoses and sudden turn of events that came in my life. 

Over the course of a few months into this battle for my child's health, I became a depressed Christian. Some people may think that's impossible, but I can tell you that it is possible to love God and believe in Jesus but to be sad from an event in your life that spirals you down further than you ever anticipated. Is it Godly or right? No. But, you can have very big doubts while you try to do life.

Jaycee's first year of life left me with more questions and worries than faith. During that year, she had an open heart surgery followed by 3 months of oxygen use at home. She failed a hearing test prompting talk of tubes. She started wheezing when she was sick and asthma began being discussed. Her eyes started to turn in and cross which meant seeing another specialist who talked about a surgery in her future. Her developmental delays required home therapies every week. It seemed like every time we turned around; we got bad news.

Any hope I had in God when Jaycee was born was gone by the time she was a year old. I was worn out in every way and my relationship with God suffered. It wasn't a conscious decision I made. It was a slow process of allowing negative thoughts and doubts to infiltrate my thinking and crush any faith. I also doubted the effectiveness of my prayers. Therefore, they became shorter and shorter and done less and less often.

There were questions I had that didn't seem to have any answers for. I couldn't find justice in our situation. I cried to God about my daughter's health with seemingly no response and no miracles.

I continued my Christianity by reading scriptures, going to church, and trying to love God through so many immense emotional and mental struggles. I waited for things to get better. I waited for Jaycee's health to improve. I waited for me to see something happen in her life to know that God was still working in our lives or that He cared.

What can I say? I wanted things to be easier for me and the rest of my family as proof God was with us. But, that hasn't been the case. Struggles have continued over the years. The events the played out after Jaycee's first year of life until now are too much and too long to explain in one post. Here's a sampling of some things we have parented Jaycee through: 20 something hospital admissions for illness/emergencies, 3 heart caths, 2 open heart surgeries, daily medications, bi-pap at night for 8 years, respiratory distress at home, helicopter transports, etc.

Here's what I want you to understand. Life hasn't gotten magically better for my daughter. She hasn't become verbal enough to speak in sentences. She hasn't gotten off her medications. There aren't less doctors involved in her care. She hasn't stopped having scary health emergencies although they are becoming less frequent. The respiratory problems haven't been outgrown. She can't get rid of the medical equipment in her room. There wasn't a "miracle" in any of these areas, but we have seen God's hand on her life in times of serious illness and other situations. I realized the proof of God I wanted came in other ways, not just "healthy" times.

Despite all of this, my relationship with God is strong. After struggling for awhile  when Jaycee was younger without exactly knowing how to pull out of the place of shaky faith I found myself, I changed. I transitioned from a struggling Christian to a Christian with a renewed love and heart for God and her life. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was really hard at first. But it became easier. I believed the things I originally felt about God, and prayed with the faith that God did listen and hear. Something changed in my heart.

Have you been struggling? Here's my advice on how to rekindle your faith while your circumstances are challenging.

• Connect with God. I kept going to church and reading the Bible even when it was hard. Faith for me some weeks was just showing up at church saying, "God, I believe in you even if I don't understand my life right now." Other times, I read a chapter looking for anything that would speak into my situation. I still tried to show a commitment in some way.
• Continue to pray. Here's where I messed up. I started to believe the thoughts from the enemy which said my prayers were pointless. But, prayer is always the key! I wish I would have recited the Lord's Prayer if nothing else to keep the habit. Whether you believe God is hearing or not, pray through it.  
• Find a friend who listens. This is hard when you're struggling. You believe no one will understand or no one has gone through what you have. You may know no one in your situation, but I hope you know someone with faith. That's all you need, someone with ears and faith. Maybe you tried to open up to someone and that ended badly. Try someone else. Isolation is not good! Find a friend who will listen and give Godly counsel when you are struggling. Keeping your doubts to yourself with only allow them to get bigger and stronger.
• Focus on the good things. There has to be SOMETHING good that has happened in life. Maybe you made it through the day without getting emotional. Perhaps someone took time to mail you a card. Maybe you got 8 hours of sleep. Sometimes, you have to be grateful for the little things and celebrate the small stuff. When life is hard, it is nearly impossible to find something positive. Find something everyday to be thankful. If your ratio of complaints far exceeds your thankfulness, then you need fresh eyes for your circumstances.
• Be patient. I know some days will be tough. You may feel like staying in bed all day or giving up on your responsibilities. Don't beat yourself up if you had a day full of anxiety or tears. Have patience with yourself but don't allow yourself to stay in an unhealthy emotional place. You deserve better than that.

There is hope in life. Even when things don't turn out the way you prayed, God is still God. Without faith, we have nothing, so fight to keep yours if life is trying to steal it away. Blessings!

When People Say My Daughter's Down Syndrome Needs Healed

A small replication error causing three copies of chromosome 21 is the definition of Down syndrome in it's simplest form. The fact that this happened to my daughter Jaycee was completely random. It was no one's fault.

But, Down syndrome and it's medical definition is not a good enough explanation for many people. Over the years, many well meaning people have offered me the deeper reason why my child has Down syndrome. Some of these include:

-God gives children with special needs to special people.

-God blesses people with children with special needs who can handle it.

-God makes so many people with Down syndrome, and He choose you to receive one.

-God does not want anyone to struggle therefore, she needs prayer for healing.

-A demon, sin, or generational curse brought this upon your child, so you need to repent/pray.

I understand why people have offered me this information over the years. I too have looked for deeper meanings in the big and small things that have happened in my life. I even searched for the deeper meaning when Jaycee was born.

I struggled with how to pray for Jaycee initially as I tried to understand why my daughter was born with a disability.

At first, I felt it was my duty to pray for her to be healed completely or at the very least have Down syndrome with minimal effects. But, I started to not like those prayers. I felt that those prayers were selling my daughter short. I felt my prayers were only focusing on what was wrong with her and how she needed to be "more like everyone else." Did God view her as imperfect as my prayers seemed to suggest?

Here were some questions I had as I muddled through the subject of disability, God, and Christianity:
-Is the presence of disability the absence of God or is it something else?
-Can a person with a disability serve and love God?
-Can God accept a person with a disability? 
-If everyone should be healed, why didn't God heal Moses of his speech impediment instead of appointing Aaron to be his "mouth?" (Genesis 4)  Could I be Jaycee's Aaron?

I want to make it clear that I believe in healing, prayer, and miracles. I believe all people with big and small ailments need prayer and benefit from prayer. However, I do believe people in the church can show a lack of acceptance of those with disabilities when they only interact with people with disabilities to pray for healing. This post isn't necessarily about the topic of healing but how to approach those with disabilities in the church.

Let me tell you a personal story.

Some time back, I decided I was going to start and host a small group in our church. My group was going to be for parents of children with a diagnosis. I wasn't sure if there were even any other families in my church that were like mine besides the one family I was already acquainted with.

One Sunday was declared the small group sign up day. I stood by a table near my sign up sheet hoping and waiting for other parents to come and sign up. After a few minutes, someone approached me that I was only slightly familiar with at church. The person asked me how my daughter was doing. After my response, she went on to say she is still praying and believing for my daughter to be healed of her Down syndrome and encouraged me to keep believing for that too.

I was taken aback. I smiled and probably told her thanks, but inside I was screaming. There I was hoping to meet and support other parents in a similar journey. Instead, I was reminded just how some Christians view my child, as someone who is incomplete without healing.

I stood there another minute or two and then joined my husband who was waiting for me in the van with the children. He was surprised to see me so soon, since I told him I would be at my table for awhile. I had to get out of there. I started crying as I recounted the story to him.

It may not seem like a big deal to you. Perhaps, you think that person did nothing wrong. They didn't really. But their approach was what upset me. The only topic of Jaycee was her Down syndrome and her need of healing. Period. Jaycee is more than her diagnosis. I have to battle this is the real world all the time, and I don't want to have this battle at church too.

The miracle of 2013

After that experience, I prayed about what happened. I asked God how I could respond to people who only want to talk about Jaycee in terms of needing healing.

You see, I don't feel like God sees Jaycee's Down syndrome as such a huge problem that we do. Jaycee has not been healed of Down syndrome, but she has received healing and grace in her life during her many illnesses and hospital admissions. She was literally on the brink of death once in 2013 when she was maxed out on support on the ventilator. I truly believe that God heard our many prayers for Jaycee during that time and is the reason she is still here.

I know that God works through her even if His healing power isn't manifesting the way everyone would expect it.

Because of all of this, I decided that future people who want to pray Jaycee's Down syndrome away will be reminded of this one thing from me:

Jaycee's body isn't perfect, but her spirit is.

I believe Jaycee's spirit is God's main concern since that is what will join Him in heaven. In that regard, she is way ahead of us in living a life that is Godly. I am not opposed to people praying for Jaycee. But, I do hope they want to get to know her, appreciate her for where she's at, and acknowledge the ways God has worked in her life.

Related Post: Does God Make Down syndrome? 

Meet Nate: I Can...

This week on the blog, we are celebrating and learning about the lives of people with Down syndrome for Down syndrome Awareness Month. Today, our guest writer is Cassandra as she shares about her son, Nate.

Meet Nate

Photo provided by Nate's family

This is Nate, and he can do many things!!!

Nate is 14 years old and a freshman in high school. Some of his favorite things to do are: go to the gym to work on his pull ups, singing, bowling, seeing the horses with our friend, laser tag, and mini golf.

However, the thing that Nate does the best is love people. He has never met a stranger, and often has hugs for the new friends he meets! He is a teacher of how to love. He sees no difference in any human, and freely welcomes all just as they are-the most important trait of God's love that we as "normal" people so frequently fail at. As his mom, I am repeatedly shocked by how quickly people accept him and his hugs! I have yet to see anyone offended, repulsed, or anything less than happy about his hugs! I truly believe he and his spirit of love are a gift from God.


Thanks for sharing, Cassandra. I hope I never meet Nate in a pull up contest!-Evana

This post is for Down syndrome Awareness Month where bloggers write for all 31 days of October for Trisomy 21. I am part of this 31 for 21 challenge. During the month of October, the NDSS asks that we celebrate people with Down syndrome and make others aware of abilities and accomplishments. Individuals with Down syndrome have abilities that need to be celebrated!

Remembering God's Blessings When You Don't Feel Blessed

"You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord
Blessed be Your name"

The lyrics to a familiar song were belted out all over the church. I knew the song Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman well. But on that day, I couldn't sing along. I was a young 25 year old, new mother in a spiritual and emotional battle.

A few weeks prior to this night in church, I was a completely different person. I was near the end of my pregnancy. I was close to God and optimistic about my future. I was working full time in a school and part time in youth ministry. I strongly believed in the love and goodness of God.

Then things changed. My daughter was born three weeks early and was flown to the nearest NICU hours after birth. In the NICU, we learned that our daughter had Down syndrome, a congenital heart defect that would require open heart surgery, and was in congestive heart failure.

She came home 10 days later on a round-the-clock feeding and medication schedule that no first time parent would ever be prepared for. Jaycee's Down syndrome was always the least of our problems. The hardest thing to cope with was her heart defect and its impact on her lungs, stamina, and overall health.

I went through almost 9 months thinking my child was going to be healthy. My prayers were always for a healthy child and delivery. I was stunned when Jaycee was born with her problems. I was even more stunned by how my faith was impacted by Jaycee's medical issues. Every new problem or concern weighed on me. I wondered where God was when my baby struggled, was in the hospital, and was being operated on.

And that was the condition I was in as I sat in church listening to that familiar song that I had previously belted out. I was at church because I was committed to God, but I didn't understand Him at the moment. I was mouthing words to the song because my heart was not wanting to fully join in the act of worship.

And I wrestled in my heart with God regarding how I didn't want to sing this song as I felt so alone and well..."unblessed." But, one line stood out to me as I had my internal conflict.
My Heart Will Choose To Say

I had a choice.

I didn't like that answer to the funk that I was in. I didn't want to choose to just trust God and believe in the goodness and blessings of Him. I wanted my daughter's situation to magically change and for my stress and worry for her to dissipate. IF things were different, then surely I would feel different.

Here's the thing I have learned 10 years into raising a child with special and medical needs. God is not necessarily the "quick fix" for every situation you have to walk out here on Earth.

When I rush Jaycee to the emergency room, I choose to pray on the way. As I sit by her hospital bed when she's sick, I choose to seek God. As I have had to listen to her breathing on a ventilator and lungs being suctioned, I can choose to thank God for keeping her here another day. And when the trauma is over and we are back home healthy, I choose to continue believing that God will be with us the next time too. A relationship with God is the blessing. His peace is the blessing. His promises are the blessing.

When you are going through a rough patch, your mind may question where God is and if He cares. An unexpected change in your life can make you feel totally lost and "unblessed." I know, I have been there. Do not entertain these thoughts. They will pull you down a path that you will get absolutely lost on.

If you are feeling not so blessed and a bit lost, remember that you have a choice.

You can choose to think differently. You can choose to love God when you don't understand your life. You can choose to find something good in your life when it's surrounded by bad events. You can choose to shut down the negative thoughts and stay focused on God.

What will you choose today?

A Christmas Moment to Remember

Today, I am happy to share that I have a devotion on A Woman Saved Mag website.

Click on the link to read!!
Evana



https://awomansaved.com/25-days-devotionals-when-a-child-finds-christ-by-evana-sandusky/

Order in the Chaos

My life feels chaotic often. Surgeries, hospital admissions, and illnesses with Jaycee have created times of complete chaos in our lives. They disrupt work schedules and obligations, cancel vacations, and force us to stay away from crowds of people and their germs. One illness can affect our lives for weeks making it difficult for me to even get to the grocery store.

As a Christian, I often look for "signs" that God is in our situation. These signs come in all different forms. A sign could be a meaningful scripture I read during my Bible time, a text from a friend at just the right moment, a song that speaks to me, or something out of the ordinary that happens.

Last week, I got a new sign that I needed after another recent hospital admission. It's hard not to feel beat down after another admission and another three weeks of chaos in our lives. I wasn't necessarily praying for a sign. I just wanted to know God was here and that He cared for my family during all the chaos.

So last week, I was standing in Jaycee's bedroom next to her chair giving her a puff from her inhaler for the umpteenth time in her life. I looked up at the memory box hanging on her wall directly in front of me. The box has her hospital bracelets and the ultrasound telling us that our sweet baby was to be a girl. For some reason, my eye was drawn to the date of the ultrasound. And there it was....a sign. A neon, flashing bright sign! October 19, 2005 

Did I read that right? My eyes checked it again and again. I couldn't believe this important day in our lives was on October 19.

What's the deal with the date you ask?

If you study my blogs intensely, you might know. But if not, I'll go over it again.

In 2013, septic shock, ARDS, respiratory failure, pneumonia, and rhinovirus almost took Jaycee's life. She survived a 4 week nightmare and was discharged on October 19, 2013.

One year later, she was baptized in our church on October 19. It was only after the baptism that I was able to connect the dots by going through her old posts on a website I use to keep family and friends updated on her health. When I found the October 19, 2013 to 2014 connection, I was ecstatic. It was a sign then to me that God was reclaiming that time in Jaycee's life for good.

 

 

 

 

Here I was standing looking at Jaycee on October 19th, 2005 through an ultrasound picture in her memory box (the white box to the left of the door). I couldn't help but smile as I looked to the right of the door. There in the black frame was Jaycee's baptism on October 19th, 2014. Two pictures feet away from each other on the same day 9 years apart. I couldn't have planned that better if I tried....the ultrasound showing Jaycee before she born near the picture showing Jaycee being baptized to new life.

 

 

Are you still wondering what the big deal is?

To me, it signaled that there's actually a Godly order among the chaos happening, assuring me that God is around. But maybe it takes me awhile to notice!