I Choose Her

A black and white checkered notebook on my end table contains much more than paper. The pages have heart felt prayers and concerns from 15 years ago. I was a new mom at home with a newborn with Down syndrome, congestive heart failure, and an AV canal heart defect. The diagnoses were a shock after she was born, and the notebook reflects a mom's heart that was muddled with fear and faith of the future. 

When I came home from the NICU with Jaycee, I literally brought home dozens and dozens of articles, pamphlets, books, and handouts. One book described what parents could expect with a Down syndrome diagnosis. Against the advice from other parents, I read the book cover to cover. It overwhelmed me, just as the other parents foretold that I would be if I consumed the book in that manner. 

The book guided my prayers early on. Everything in the book that scared me made its way onto my prayer list for Jaycee. Constipation, celiac disease, leukemia, thyroid disorders, atlantoaxial instability, intellectual disability, etc. were all things that I prayed through after reading the book. 

When I held Jaycee, who was dressed in the pinkest preemie sized clothing her grandparents could find, I had difficulty picturing her future. I was extremely fearful of the intellectual disability aspect. I wondered if she would be able to read or attend any type of regular education. I was afraid that she wouldn't be able to speak clearly. I prayed she would have a strong mind and learn things quickly. I prayed her abilities would be much more than her struggles. 

It's strange to look back over these prayers, thoughts, and hopes for the future. Some of the things I prayed about thankfully never became an issue with Jaycee. Other things I prayed about and feared, quite honestly, ended up happening. 

Her intellectual disability was far from mild, and she has needed multiple special supports in school. Simple addition is still hard, but we're grateful she can count to ten. She was nonverbal for several years before developing speech with multiple errors. After years interpreting signs, grunts, and gestures, we were thrilled with any attempt at a word she made. Hearing her voice was gift and knowing her thoughts a treasure. Her health was poor for many years, not from things predicted in the book, but from undiagnosed lung issues that Mayo Clinic finally discovered. 

At the start of my parenting journey with Down syndrome, I saw all the potential negatives and wondered how I could navigate them. I wanted it to be easy, for her or for myself-it's not entirely understood. Some of my fears have happened, yet it has been okay. Our family has walked through every success and challenge together. It hasn't always been easy; there are some hard days even now. Still, my daughter is my daughter. I love her fiercely. Her inability to add 3 + 5, read books past a second grade level, speak in clear sentences, or be independent with her daily care is our norm. As she has grown, we have adjusted to her needs. In the beginning, I was trying to come to terms with a lifetime of potential issues when I should have taken it one day at a time. 

There is a wisdom that comes from living this life out. In 2006, I only knew in part (1 Corinthians 13). The things I read or saw often created fear, but it didn't need to start off that way. It's hard to describe our lives in balanced way. It's even harder to communicate that to outsiders trying to lean in. 

Over the years, I have been invited to participate in a few online surveys about parenting a child with Down syndrome. More than once those surveys have contained the question: Would you take away your child's Down syndrome if you could? Yes  No  

On one such survey, I moved my curser back and forth from yes to no contemplating my answer. After much debate, my response instead was to exit out and forget the survey. That wasn't a yes or no question. How foolish of those investigators to consider that a fair question! That required an essay response. 

I know one important thing: I choose my daughter. Jaycee would be an entirely different person without her Down syndrome. I love the Jaycee I know. I would choose her a thousand times over. 

March 21 is World Down syndrome day. This is a day to celebrate and honor the lives of those with Down syndrome. Today, I reflect on how much I've grown as a parent, how strong our bond is, and how much love exists between Jaycee and our family. That stuff I worried about years ago seems foolish now. Yes, I understand where my head was at during that time, but I was focused on the issues and not the person with a God-breathed soul entrusted in my care. 

Yes, I choose Jaycee. The girl who loves nail polish, jewelry, and pink. She's usually sporting a big bow or a flower clipped in her hair. She drives me crazy with her youtube videos sometimes, but I have a depth of knowledge about the Ninja Kidz and Kidz Bop thanks to her. No one loves her cousins as much as she, and she always mentions them in her prayers. Jaycee is creative with nicknames she has dished out over the years, and the whole family ends up using them too. She's kind and gentle until it's time for a blood draw or a shot. Somedays she's thrilled to go to school, and other days I beg her to get on the bus. When she really enjoys a meal I cook, she hugs me and says "Thanks mom," before commanding her brother to hug me too. (He obliges.) Of course, I choose her. 

21 Things I Love about My Daughter with Trisomy 21

It's March 21st! Happy World Down syndrome Day!

The date 3/21 is World Down syndrome day (WDSD) because it represents the 3 copies of the 21st chromosome that people with Down syndrome have. WDSD matters to me because I love someone with Down syndrome.

Fourteen years ago, I feared Down syndrome and everything it would mean for my daughter, Jaycee, and our family. I felt lost the first couple of years as I processed her diagnosis. I wasted time figuring out how Down syndrome would affect Jaycee. All I really needed to do was simply see her. Jaycee was my daughter. The Down syndrome faded into the background where it should have been all along.

Jaycee is a unique individual who happens to have Down syndrome. She is full of personality, and she gives me reasons to smile daily.

If you haven't had the pleasure of meeting my daughter, then let me tell you some things about her that I absolutely love.

1. She puts things on her head for a laugh. My cup, phone, Bible, and tv remote have all been on her head. Jaycee says, "On my head," as she does it, and then she waits for me to pretend to be mad. I don't know why she started doing this, but it's funny. 

2. "Butt" is her favorite word. It is one of the clearest words she says too. There's worse things to say. 

3. She gives out nicknames that stick. Some of these include: Deer, Daddy Beast, Joel Butt (see number 2), Bubba baby. When I'm mad, everyone refers to me as a mad hippo because of her. 

4. Jaycee has become a savvy clothes shopper. She previously hated shopping in any form. Now, I can't shop for clothes without purchasing something for her. She loves to shop! 

5. Jaycee knows how to use her tone of voice to say 'mom' in a frustrated way. It's funny the things she gets annoyed with that cause this tone to come from her. If I drop something in another room, she will yell out, "Mom!" If I sneeze or trip or make any mistake, she catches it and yells, "Mom!" 

6. She has a "princess pose" for pictures. The pose consists of one hand on her hip and one hand behind her head. 

7. Her memory for some things is completely amazing. She recalls being in certain resturants with people months later. I don't know why or how these memories stay, but they do. 

8. Jaycee has a specific way she wants her hair. Right now, she likes to have a pony tail with a JoJo bow. Her second favorite look is a flower clip in her hair. 

9. Jaycee loves the band Skillet. She hands me the ipod in my van and asks for "illet."

10. She loves Baby Shark too. Skillet and Baby Shark are both pretty important even if they are opposites. These interests show that she has age appropriate ones as well as some developmentally lower interests. 

11. She loves make-up. This developed all on her own, since I don't wear it. She owns more lip gloss, eye shadow, and make-up brushes than I ever have. 

12. Even when things are hard, she carries on. Hospital stays, increases in medications, surgeries, or times of being home bound, she powers through them all. She may have some fears and short periods of sadness, but Jaycee goes through adverse situations like a true champion. 

13. She says the sweetest prayers. Jaycee utters out a mixture of babbles and real words to talk to God every day. She prays for some of her favorite people in these prayers. I feel honored when I am mentioned.  

14. She cares about her friends. She asks about them and is concerned about them if they get hurt. 

15. Jaycee loves to video chat with family and friends. With her limited speech, video chatting is important for the listener to see her gestures and signs. 

16. A few years ago, Jaycee decided she wanted to wear dresses to church. Nearly every Sunday, Jaycee insists on wearing a dress to church. 

17. Jaycee is fearless about amusement rides. While I scream on a coaster, she is all smiles and laughs. Because of her heart condition, she hasn't done the big coasters, but I am sure she would enjoy them if given the opportunity. 

18. Jaycee loves to rub on my fingernails. She takes her hand and gently grazes her fingers across the edge of my fingernails. She has done this since she was a toddler. 

19. My daughter loves to sing. Most people can't make out any of the words that she is saying, but I love to hear her sing. A few years ago, Jaycee was silent, so her singing is such a gift. 

20. Jaycee thrives on routine. This can be good and bad. Honestly speaking, I thrive on routines as well. She gets this trait from her mom. 

21. She loves like no one I know. Seriously, she is the most loving and accepting person. Her loving nature challenges me to do better. I am grateful that I get to be around her love everyday. There are plenty of hugs and kisses in our home. 

On World Down syndrome day, I celebrate my daughter, her life, and the wonderful person that she is. I hope her Down syndrome fades away for other people too, and they can see her. 

How the Prayers for my Child with Down syndrome Have Changed

March 21st is World Down syndrome day (WDSD). (The date 3/21 is significant because those with Down syndrome have 3 copies of the 21st chromosome.) As another WDSD comes around, I can't help but reflect on how my perspective of Down syndrome has changed over the years, especially when it comes to my prayer life.

When my daughter was diagnosed with Down syndrome at birth, I was shocked. I didn't know it was possible for a 25 year old woman to give birth to a baby with Down syndrome. I never expected Down syndrome or a heart defect to be part of my baby's life.

The diagnosis of Down syndrome was portrayed in a negative light by the medical team in the hospital after Jaycee's birth. The doctor pointed out all the "flaws" on her body that indicated Down syndrome. I was told she would have challenges in motor skills, cognition, and her everyday life. The doctor told me I would be caring for her the rest of my life.

Down syndrome seemed overwhelming. The diagnosis was more than I could take. My thoughts regarding Down syndrome were all negative, and I could barely think of anything else. All of the negativity spilled over into my prayer life when it came to Jaycee.

Early on, I prayed for Jaycee to have a miracle. Specifically, I prayed for her to be healed of the effects typically seen from the extra chromosome. I made a list of the common problems with Down syndrome some of which included: Intellectual disability, low muscle tone, thyroid issues, slow metabolism, vision and hearing problems, and delayed development. I called each of them out in prayer and asked God to intervene miraculously.

I prayed and prayed. As the months went on, Jaycee had her first of two heart surgeries followed by oxygen use at home. She was struggling with feedings and motor development. I was getting discouraged. All the while I poured my heart out to God in prayer, it seemed like God had absolutely nothing to say about Jaycee's Down syndrome and her struggles.

One day as I prayed through the list of needs for Jaycee, I felt God ask me something.
"Are you praying these things for her or you?"
The question stopped me. I started praying for healing early on because I felt God would want her to live without issues based upon many stories of healing in the New Testament.

Jaycee gets a kiss from mom before a surgery. 

However, the question forced me to analyze my motives. Why was I really praying? Was I doing it from a place of love for her or was it something else? I came to the conclusion that I was praying for myself more than her. How much easier would things be if therapy wasn't needed, if specialty physicians weren't involved, if she understood like any other child, if her muscles were strong, if medical bills weren't in our lives, and if medicines weren't part of her daily life? These things would make both of our lives easier. Perhaps, I wasn't praying for Jaycee's sake, but my prayers were actually rooted in selfishness and fear of the future found in my own heart.

As I started to adjust my prayer life, God was still overall silent on the topic of Down syndrome. How did I need to pray for her? What was God's heart on this subject?

One day, several years into my parenting of Jaycee, I felt God speak again. As I was lamenting about some challenge related to Down syndrome, God whispered to my heart, "Down syndrome isn't that big of a deal."

What?! I started to tell God why it was a big deal. It was, after all, making Jaycee's development, education, and independence difficult. There were aspects of her life that were challenging for both of us.

It was then that I really found God's heart toward my daughter. God doesn't value life as we do. He doesn't care if someone is athletic, intelligent, artistic, poetic, or verbal. He isn't bothered when milestones aren't met as typically expected either.

Sure, you may think this is your belief system too, but I believe the system of the world is rooted in us far deeper than we may realize. We all want our kids to achieve "normal" things in life (educationally, in relationships, etc.). When it doesn't seem possible because of a diagnosis, it can be hard to face a reality much different from what we expect.

God looks deeper. He looks at our hearts and our spirits. He viewed Jaycee much differently than anyone. I'm sure God was pleased with her joyful and loving nature. God must have loved my child's spirit. I am sure that Jaycee's Down syndrome wasn't really impacting her in God's view. The trials on this earth from the extra chromosome were insignificant in the long run. Her heart was right, and that was most important.

When I got a new revelation of Down syndrome, my perception changed as well as my prayers. I embraced all parts of my daughter, accepted her limits in a healthy way, and prayed less selfishly. I didn't see her as a walking list of needs. I had more grace and patience for her difficulties and less frustrations. I asked God for more wisdom to help her through challenges rather than simply praying for them to end.

Years ago, I was almost in panic mode after I heard the words "Down syndrome." I prayed so many prayers, but I never really asked God what He thought about Down syndrome. I wish I would have asked for that clarity immediately. It would have given me a sense of peace and purpose for both of our lives. Perhaps, I would have been able to see past the challenges and just see her. I wasted so much time focusing on the wrong things. Looking back, I'm embarrassed by those initial emotions, thoughts, and prayers regarding my child's diagnosis. I can be thankful that I have grown as a person and a mother.

In celebration of WDSD, I ask that each of you consider your viewpoint of those with Down syndrome, specifically when it comes to prayer. Do you see them as only someone in need of prayer? Can you look deeper and see the person that God sees?

The Story of Down syndrome For Us

It’s just an extra 21st chromosome. One piece of genetic information that seemed at one time to define my daughter. Down syndrome was a huge and overwhelming diagnosis back in 2006 when Jaycee was born and diagnosed.

Time has passed, and my attitude has changed since her birth day. Down syndrome is just part of her story and ours. It is not THE story.

Here are 21 moments from the story of my family's life with Jaycee in honor of World Down syndrome Day.

1.      First ultrasound picture…It was a glimpse of my first-born with knowledge that a daughter was in our future.  

2.       Snuggles after delivery…Before we knew about Jaycee’s Down syndrome and AV canal, there were a few hours when my husband and I just marveled at our new baby without worry. We examined every finger and smiled at every movement and sound.

3.       A doctor's announcement…After waiting 4 long hours during Jaycee’s open heart surgery, I was relieved to hear that the surgery went as planned and all was well with our infant.

4.       First wobbly steps…In a physical therapy session, Jaycee took her first little steps. All those hours in therapy sessions and hard work paid off!

5.       Walking for Down syndrome…Our family teamed up to raise money for our local Down syndrome group and participated in an awareness walk. It would be the first of many times Team Jaycee united.

6.       The Best Word Ever…Is there anything sweeter than hearing a squeaky voice say your name? Nope, there isn’t! "Mama" melted my heart.

7.       First school drop off…Taking Jaycee to pre-school as a little three-year-old resulted in tears from one of us. I’ll let you guess who.

8.       Jaycee becoming a big sister…During my pregnancy with my son, I explained to Jaycee that she was going to have a baby brother soon. Right after Elijah was born, Jaycee came into the hospital room to meet him. She signed “baby” as she peered into his bed while the nurse weighed and measured him. She instantly loved him!

9.       Self-feeding...After months of occupational therapy, hand-over-hand spoon feedings, and trials of many spoons, the day Jaycee fed herself with a spoon was cause for celebration. We could eat together as a family at the same time, and she could be more independent.

10.   Second first steps…After a long and serious stay in ICU when she was in first grade, Jaycee came home depending on a wheelchair. She could not climb steps. She could not even sit up unsupported. When her strength came back slowly and she started walking again all the time, it was a gift to watch. 

11.   Jaycee, the competitor…Jaycee loved participating in the softball throw at the track and field games for our state Special Olympics competition. She kept looking at those of us in her cheering section to make sure we were all paying attention.

12.   The 3 big words…”Love you, mama!” After weeks of breaking up this phrase into simple word approximations, Jaycee one day repeated it back. It sounded like “Uh oo, mama,” but it was the beginning of this beautiful exchange we could have.

13.   School dancer…After some bravery on my part, I signed Jaycee up to participate in the yearly school fundraiser cheer leading and dance group with her peers. Jaycee knew the moves and proved she could do amazing things if I didn’t limit her.

14.   Elsa and Anna…Jaycee was fortunate to receive a trip through Make-A-Wish, which meant she got the royal treatment at Orlando theme parks. She absolutely loved meeting the Frozen cast after a show; her joy was precious.

15.   A lifelong relationship…At a family get together, Jaycee marveled at her cousin dressed up as a deer. From then on, Jaycee fell in love with her cousin, who she referred to as “Deer” ever since.  

16.   A pep rally…Jaycee’s school held an energetic pep rally for the athletes participating in Special Olympics. Jaycee ran through the lines formed by smiling cheerleaders. Instead of bursting through the paper banner at the end of the cheerleaders, Jaycee crawled underneath it. It was such a funny moment!

17.   A friend party...When your elementary school daughter wants to have a birthday party with friends, you make it happen.

18.   A Baptism…After weeks of teaching and preparation, Jaycee went through the water baptism at church like any other child. She came up out of the water smiling, just like all of us who were surrounding her.

19.   My daughter on stage…During a pageant for girls with intellectual disabilities, I saw my little girl transform into a princess and enjoy being in the spotlight. Her abilities were celebrated, and she continues to show off her crown to visitors at our home.

20.   Water coaster Enthusiast…Water coasters exist and my daughter loves them. While I scream my head off wishing for the ride to come to the end, my daughter shows no fear and laughs all the way through.

21.   Home plate with Molina…When Jaycee won an opportunity to meet Yadier Molina during a Cardinal’s game through our Down syndrome Association, there were several seats filled with our friends and family cheering for her. Molina autographed her baseball right after she did.

Our life with Jaycee has set us on a path we did not anticipate. Then again, who could predict some of these moments we have had with Jaycee. Some of them have been extraordinary, a few have been challenging, and others have been gratefully mundane.

Time has shown us that there is a full and good life beyond diagnosis day. Happy World Down syndrome Day!

My 3-21 Message

Sometimes, it seems like I have had the same conversations with people over and over again regarding my daughter with Down syndrome. Because of my experiences with her, I have learned how much people don’t understand about Down syndrome and people with intellectual disabilities. Sometimes, this leads to me feeling extremely frustrated because I am her mom, friend, and advocate. But, I need to remember one important thing: I once was one of these people who didn’t understand.

Before Jaycee, I thought, like many other people, that only older mothers gave birth to babies with Down syndrome. I was 25 years old when I had Jaycee. I looked at the doctor and asked, “How did this happen?” The doctor explained to me that the chances of Down syndrome occurring increases with maternal age, but it can happen to any pregnant woman for no reason at all. Since having Jaycee, I have repeated this explanation to people who wonder what went wrong for me to give birth to a child with Down syndrome.

Before Jaycee, I felt pity for children with Down syndrome. I saw their trouble learning to speak and their difficulty picking up other developmental skills as sad. I felt sorry for them for wearing diapers past the typical age. I called these children “poor thing” when I saw them struggling with a simple task. Then I had Jaycee. I have witnessed her struggles, but I also seen many, many successes. She isn’t someone to pity. She is someone to be proud of. She works extremely hard to learn new things and doesn’t give up. Jaycee’s shortcomings are not the center of our lives, and I have learned to encourage growth in her stronger areas. I feel happiness when Jaycee makes a joke on her communication device or through sign language. Jaycee doesn’t seem to feel sad about her life, so why should I?

Before having Jaycee, I thought all life was valuable. This is the one thing that hasn’t changed, but I have received more clarity. Jaycee’s life is not important because of what she can do. Her life is important because of who she is. She is a sweet girl, a daughter, a sister, and cousin bringing love to our family. She is a fighter, surviving two open heart surgeries, two heart ablations, and multiple hospital admissions. She loves music, dancing, pizza, being with friends, and the color green. She has thoughts, opinions, and emotions. She is a human being whose life is no more valuable than mine just because I can speak, graduate college, and hold a job.

As we celebrate World Down syndrome day on March 21^st, I am reminded of the work advocates have to keep doing for people with Down syndrome. Sometimes, it feels overwhelming to address preconceived notions and to keep educating the public. I am reminded that people’s minds and attitudes can change, because I know mine did. If only every person in the world could meet Jaycee, then they too would understand.

Celebrating Jaycee

Happy World Down Syndrome Day!!!
 
 
 

Today is March 21st so it's time to celebrate the ones we love that have an extra 21st chromosome. Jaycee's life is amazing. She has overcame so much. Even though she's had many surgeries, hospital stays, and medications, she has a sweet and caring spirit. Her smile and love have affected many people. Here's some things about Jaycee:

5 things Jaycee loves: 1. movies 2. people 3. pizza 4. going for rides 5. music (especially worship at church)

5 things Jaycee hates: 1. Her bi-pap 2. When a doctor checks her ears 3. When her grandparents leave 4. When she doesn't get seconds at meals 5. Having her nails trimmed

5 recent achievements: 1. She's learned to spell her first name. 2. She's learned over 25 sight words. 3. She will make squiggle marks as if she's writing her name. 4. She can give herself medicine in a syringe. 5. After a meal, she can put her dishes in the dishwasher.