10 years ago today, I stood in a church next to my handsome guy and became his wife. We did the normal vows. For better or worse, sickness and health... I think we both took those vows expecting things to go a certain way. I never imagined having a special purposed child. Honestly, the idea never entered my mind.
Through every up and down with my special purposed child, my husband and I have been together. He's helped me when I was worried about Jaycee's health. He's reassured me things would be fine when I was convinced that they wouldn't be. He's watched the kids from time to time when I just needed a nap! He's been there for me and I have been there for him. I can't imagine raising our special purposed child without him and his support.
So here's my top 4 pieces of humble marital advice:
-Sleep in the same bed. We always sleep together (unless someone is sick and willingly goes to the couch). Never send someone to the couch or the floor if you are arguing. It builds a wall.
-Never threaten divorce or leaving. Marriage vows are intended to be made forever. Joking or threatening to end the marriage puts seeds of doubt between the two of you. Don't say it!
-Realize that having a special purposed child can be stressful. Be honest about your feelings with your spouse and ask for breaks if you need them. Understand that arguments between the two of you in high stress situations are mainly due to high stress. Take a breath and discover ways to work through these times while supporting each other.
-Go to church together. You both need to have the same spiritual foundation and be on the same page. When a crisis arises, you will need your own individual faith to help you. When your faith is added to your partner's it becomes unbreakable.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Getting Free from Anxiety
My 7 year old daughter has had health issues for 7 years. Consequently, I have had inner struggles for 7 years. This has included depression, stress, fears, and anxiety. I've never seen a doctor for any of these but I know I have had them. I have had good times where I have had little or none of these inner struggles. And I have had rough patches where my work and everyday life have suffered. Sometimes, I was aware that I was struggling. Sometimes, I wasn't.
If you would have asked me six months ago, if I suffered from anxiety, I would have said no. I would admit that I felt stress a little each day but I wasn't that bad. I didn't know how bad I was! The thought of taking both of the kids to McDonald's by myself was enough to get me anxious. (I realized later what I felt was anxiety.) I always had this faith-fear conflict. My fear said--Jaycee's going to run off. She might get away from you and get hurt. She's not going to listen to you and you're going to get frustrated.
Why did my fear say that? Because my negative experiences in the past left a lasting emotional impression on me. There's been times when I have simply let go of Jaycee's hand to get my keys and found myself chasing her through the a parking lot. It scared me. And I felt like a terrible mother.
But my faith said to be strong and not fear. I would be brave and decide to go to the store or a restaurant. I would feel good that I would be brave enough to go. Then that sneaky anxiety would pop up. As I would be driving or preparing to go somewhere I would think about the possible negative outcomes of this trip. I would get worried about Jaycee's safety and my ability to watch her close enough. My body would tense up. I'd be on edge. It's hard to explain this well enough to so that people can understand it.
Taking the kids out was just part of it. Jaycee's health scares was how it all started. There have been times that I have worried about her life ending. I have worried about her getting sick, being in the hospital, etc. Most people in my situation I think would be this way. When your kid has 2 open heart surgeries, 3 heart caths, strabismus surgery, 2 sets of tubes, 11 hospital admissions for illnesses -including 3 in the ICU, and several asthma attacks at home turning her blue, chaos and sickness become normal and almost expected.
At some point, even when Jaycee was healthy I couldn't enjoy it. I was convinced it was just a matter of time before something bad would happen again. I also became accustomed to life associated with sickness and life/death situations. It seemed odd to have a "normal" life where nothing critical happened. I didn't want her to be sick. I just didn't know how to deal with her sicknesses and then pick back up with my everyday life. There's so much to say about all of this and I don't want this post to take hours to read.
On New Year's Eve, as I was crying about something ignorant to my husband, I realized enough is enough. I have struggled with these things for 7 years. That is a long time...too long to live with so many fears and anxiety. I decided I would get help. A few months later, I found myself in a home getting 4 hours worth of prayer from people I trusted. Growing up in church, I firmly believed I could overcome all of my inner struggles through prayer and faith but I couldn't do it on my own.
The Bible says Jesus will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). Jesus is the authority of peace. Peace is found in him. It is not found through calmness of circumstances. I believed that I could be happy if Jaycee was just healthy. But that wasn't true because I didn't feel better even when she was. It is a lie to believe that your peace can only come through resolution of your problems. Jesus is Peace. Therefore, true peace can be achieved no matter the circumstances.
By confessing some of my fears and getting encouragement spoke over me during prayer, I was able to get relief. Maybe I will get into the details of the prayer time in another post. But I will say that I have changed as a result of that prayer. About a week after the prayer, I could actually sit down and feel relaxed. It's been almost 2 months since I received spiritual help, I will say that today I am 80-90% better. I'm not perfect. I have wrong thought patterns established and I'm going to have to break the ones that are left. But I feel different. I took Jaycee somewhere the other day without worrying and obsessing about it first. I just went and actually enjoyed myself. It feels good to think positively again and not be bogged down with so much junk in my head. If you are having some of these same troubles, please find someone you trust and get help. Change is possible!
If you would have asked me six months ago, if I suffered from anxiety, I would have said no. I would admit that I felt stress a little each day but I wasn't that bad. I didn't know how bad I was! The thought of taking both of the kids to McDonald's by myself was enough to get me anxious. (I realized later what I felt was anxiety.) I always had this faith-fear conflict. My fear said--Jaycee's going to run off. She might get away from you and get hurt. She's not going to listen to you and you're going to get frustrated.
Why did my fear say that? Because my negative experiences in the past left a lasting emotional impression on me. There's been times when I have simply let go of Jaycee's hand to get my keys and found myself chasing her through the a parking lot. It scared me. And I felt like a terrible mother.
But my faith said to be strong and not fear. I would be brave and decide to go to the store or a restaurant. I would feel good that I would be brave enough to go. Then that sneaky anxiety would pop up. As I would be driving or preparing to go somewhere I would think about the possible negative outcomes of this trip. I would get worried about Jaycee's safety and my ability to watch her close enough. My body would tense up. I'd be on edge. It's hard to explain this well enough to so that people can understand it.
Taking the kids out was just part of it. Jaycee's health scares was how it all started. There have been times that I have worried about her life ending. I have worried about her getting sick, being in the hospital, etc. Most people in my situation I think would be this way. When your kid has 2 open heart surgeries, 3 heart caths, strabismus surgery, 2 sets of tubes, 11 hospital admissions for illnesses -including 3 in the ICU, and several asthma attacks at home turning her blue, chaos and sickness become normal and almost expected.
At some point, even when Jaycee was healthy I couldn't enjoy it. I was convinced it was just a matter of time before something bad would happen again. I also became accustomed to life associated with sickness and life/death situations. It seemed odd to have a "normal" life where nothing critical happened. I didn't want her to be sick. I just didn't know how to deal with her sicknesses and then pick back up with my everyday life. There's so much to say about all of this and I don't want this post to take hours to read.
On New Year's Eve, as I was crying about something ignorant to my husband, I realized enough is enough. I have struggled with these things for 7 years. That is a long time...too long to live with so many fears and anxiety. I decided I would get help. A few months later, I found myself in a home getting 4 hours worth of prayer from people I trusted. Growing up in church, I firmly believed I could overcome all of my inner struggles through prayer and faith but I couldn't do it on my own.
The Bible says Jesus will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). Jesus is the authority of peace. Peace is found in him. It is not found through calmness of circumstances. I believed that I could be happy if Jaycee was just healthy. But that wasn't true because I didn't feel better even when she was. It is a lie to believe that your peace can only come through resolution of your problems. Jesus is Peace. Therefore, true peace can be achieved no matter the circumstances.
By confessing some of my fears and getting encouragement spoke over me during prayer, I was able to get relief. Maybe I will get into the details of the prayer time in another post. But I will say that I have changed as a result of that prayer. About a week after the prayer, I could actually sit down and feel relaxed. It's been almost 2 months since I received spiritual help, I will say that today I am 80-90% better. I'm not perfect. I have wrong thought patterns established and I'm going to have to break the ones that are left. But I feel different. I took Jaycee somewhere the other day without worrying and obsessing about it first. I just went and actually enjoyed myself. It feels good to think positively again and not be bogged down with so much junk in my head. If you are having some of these same troubles, please find someone you trust and get help. Change is possible!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Filling an Empty Vase
Sometimes the simple things in life aren't valued until you lose them.
Jaycee's asthma has been an issue since she was less than a year old. We have taken some extreme measures to avoid possible triggers. I spend the money to run the air conditioner rather than open the windows, which allow pollen and dust into my house. Jaycee hasn't been allowed to get an outdoor pet (or an indoor pet) even though we've had many opportunities to own a cute kitty. I have disliked having flowers in the house; it only happens once or twice a year.
2011 was Jaycee's worst asthma/breathing year. It made me extremely paranoid about avoiding any possible trigger, although it didn't seem to matter what I did really. But since Jan 2012, Jaycee has only been hospitalized 2 times for her asthma. Things seem to be getting better. I am trying to relax a little bit and enjoy those simple things again.
My windows have been open a few times this spring already. It's nice to feel a gentle breeze not produced by something plugged in to an outlet.
Last week, I took my son on an outing to a flower shop. He loves flowers. He picked out a couple of flowers to take home and put in our vase that has sat empty for years. Flowers were displayed on my table, and I actually enjoyed them. I didn't view the flowers as a potential "threat" but saw their beauty. I put my nose close to the petals and smelled them. Elijah told his dad all about going to get flowers. It was a really neat experience. I'm glad she's doing so well that I can bring back some of the simple things in my life.
Jaycee's asthma has been an issue since she was less than a year old. We have taken some extreme measures to avoid possible triggers. I spend the money to run the air conditioner rather than open the windows, which allow pollen and dust into my house. Jaycee hasn't been allowed to get an outdoor pet (or an indoor pet) even though we've had many opportunities to own a cute kitty. I have disliked having flowers in the house; it only happens once or twice a year.
2011 was Jaycee's worst asthma/breathing year. It made me extremely paranoid about avoiding any possible trigger, although it didn't seem to matter what I did really. But since Jan 2012, Jaycee has only been hospitalized 2 times for her asthma. Things seem to be getting better. I am trying to relax a little bit and enjoy those simple things again.
My windows have been open a few times this spring already. It's nice to feel a gentle breeze not produced by something plugged in to an outlet.
Last week, I took my son on an outing to a flower shop. He loves flowers. He picked out a couple of flowers to take home and put in our vase that has sat empty for years. Flowers were displayed on my table, and I actually enjoyed them. I didn't view the flowers as a potential "threat" but saw their beauty. I put my nose close to the petals and smelled them. Elijah told his dad all about going to get flowers. It was a really neat experience. I'm glad she's doing so well that I can bring back some of the simple things in my life.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
A Life Dedicated
April 23 is a special date for us. Back in 2006 on this date, we dedicated Jaycee to God at our church. If you aren't familiar with a baby dedication, I'll try to explain it. Basically, it's something the parents decide to do with their young child. We brought Jaycee up in front of the church and proclaimed we would raise her up in the Christian faith. The pastor said a few words. A prayer was said over Jaycee's life and our commitment to raise her up as a Christian. And boom--in just a matter of 10 minutes, we dedicated our first born child to God.
I remember at the time, I felt impressed to do this baby dedication sooner than later. Most people do this some time before their child's first birthday but it all depends on the person. I really wanted to do the dedication before Jaycee had her first heart surgery (at age 3 months) because I wanted those things prayed into her life beforehand.
Looking at the calendar this week, I noticed "Jaycee Dedicated" on the April 23rd slot. For some reason this year, I have thought about that dedication and what it meant. I promised to raise her up in the faith. I wonder if I have done well with that over the past 7 years and what else I can be doing to teach her about God.
She understands the concepts of prayer, church, and God. She loves praise and worship at church and in the car. (We only listen to Christian music...and occasionally the Wiggles.) She likes taking a $1 bill into church and putting it in the offering. She knows if she prays before her meals using her talker that she can get her food quicker. She knows "amen" signals the end of the prayer. She's heard me read the Bible to her all throughout her life. I started doing that when she was born. But, is that all enough?
I can think of many mistakes I have made. I have modeled panic and fear when she's gotten sick, instead of faith and prayer. I have not spoken scripture over her at times because I have been too tired or too lazy. I have read the Bible to her but does she know what the Bible is and why I do it? Some of this is hard to know because of the communication barrier.
I've spent some time the last few days thinking about our every day lives and how God is reflected (or not reflected) in them. I want to live out that dedication I made. I want her to grow up knowing and loving the God we believe in.
I remember at the time, I felt impressed to do this baby dedication sooner than later. Most people do this some time before their child's first birthday but it all depends on the person. I really wanted to do the dedication before Jaycee had her first heart surgery (at age 3 months) because I wanted those things prayed into her life beforehand.
Looking at the calendar this week, I noticed "Jaycee Dedicated" on the April 23rd slot. For some reason this year, I have thought about that dedication and what it meant. I promised to raise her up in the faith. I wonder if I have done well with that over the past 7 years and what else I can be doing to teach her about God.
She understands the concepts of prayer, church, and God. She loves praise and worship at church and in the car. (We only listen to Christian music...and occasionally the Wiggles.) She likes taking a $1 bill into church and putting it in the offering. She knows if she prays before her meals using her talker that she can get her food quicker. She knows "amen" signals the end of the prayer. She's heard me read the Bible to her all throughout her life. I started doing that when she was born. But, is that all enough?
I can think of many mistakes I have made. I have modeled panic and fear when she's gotten sick, instead of faith and prayer. I have not spoken scripture over her at times because I have been too tired or too lazy. I have read the Bible to her but does she know what the Bible is and why I do it? Some of this is hard to know because of the communication barrier.
I've spent some time the last few days thinking about our every day lives and how God is reflected (or not reflected) in them. I want to live out that dedication I made. I want her to grow up knowing and loving the God we believe in.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
The Dentist with my Special Purposed Child
I have looked at this date for weeks wishing it was over. 8:30 Thurs-Kids Dentist
As soon as we walked into the dentist office this morning, Jaycee sat on the floor and bent herself over. She was in her "I'm upset" position. She hasn't been to the dentist in six months, yet the experience last time must have left a lasting impression.
The kids are called back. Elijah cries because he can't play with the trains in the waiting room. Jaycee doesn't want to go back because she knows what's coming. And why did I think I could do this alone? Oh yes, I remember. Because I am a God empowered mother!
Elijah & Jaycee's examination rooms are next door to each other. Elijah refuses to sit down. Jaycee takes a seat but she's not happy. I hop back and forth between the two rooms. Elijah goes first. I hold him on my lap and the dentist looks at his teeth. He gets the all clear. He's just worried about getting back to those trains.
I walk into Jaycee's room, she's reclined in the seat. She holds my hands and babbles while the dentist looks around. "bababa dadad," Jaycee says.
"I know, Jaycee. You are doing great!" I tell her. I can tell she's upset but she's not screaming or crying. We hold hands. She pulls her hands away and signs "all done."
"Not yet," I tell her.
Jaycee allows them to briefly polish her teeth. She is not happy but this may be the first time she doesn't have tears. Hey, I want to cry at the dentist too but I don't.
These trips are getting better. She's growing up. Things are getting easier for her (& me). Next time, I won't dread the date for the dentist so much. Thank you Jesus!
As soon as we walked into the dentist office this morning, Jaycee sat on the floor and bent herself over. She was in her "I'm upset" position. She hasn't been to the dentist in six months, yet the experience last time must have left a lasting impression.
The kids are called back. Elijah cries because he can't play with the trains in the waiting room. Jaycee doesn't want to go back because she knows what's coming. And why did I think I could do this alone? Oh yes, I remember. Because I am a God empowered mother!
Elijah & Jaycee's examination rooms are next door to each other. Elijah refuses to sit down. Jaycee takes a seat but she's not happy. I hop back and forth between the two rooms. Elijah goes first. I hold him on my lap and the dentist looks at his teeth. He gets the all clear. He's just worried about getting back to those trains.
I walk into Jaycee's room, she's reclined in the seat. She holds my hands and babbles while the dentist looks around. "bababa dadad," Jaycee says.
"I know, Jaycee. You are doing great!" I tell her. I can tell she's upset but she's not screaming or crying. We hold hands. She pulls her hands away and signs "all done."
"Not yet," I tell her.
Jaycee allows them to briefly polish her teeth. She is not happy but this may be the first time she doesn't have tears. Hey, I want to cry at the dentist too but I don't.
These trips are getting better. She's growing up. Things are getting easier for her (& me). Next time, I won't dread the date for the dentist so much. Thank you Jesus!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Touch Points
Before Jaycee learned to walk, she started doing this thing with people's hands. She loves to rub her fingers across someone's fingernails. I don't know why she does it or why it started. But she has done it for a long time.
It's one of those things I can count on her doing if we are holding hands for more than a minute. She likes it when I rub my fingernails lightly on her arm too.
When your child cannot have a conversation with you, touch becomes an important. Hugs, kisses, holding hands, or rubbing fingernails becomes vital "communication" that transcends words. I don't get to hear from her what happened at school or who she played with. She doesn't comment when I tell her about things from my day or plans for the evening. The words are not there. This relationship is not built around talking. Touch becomes important. A cuddle on the couch becomes our way to say I love you or I'm glad you are here.
It's one of those things I can count on her doing if we are holding hands for more than a minute. She likes it when I rub my fingernails lightly on her arm too.
When your child cannot have a conversation with you, touch becomes an important. Hugs, kisses, holding hands, or rubbing fingernails becomes vital "communication" that transcends words. I don't get to hear from her what happened at school or who she played with. She doesn't comment when I tell her about things from my day or plans for the evening. The words are not there. This relationship is not built around talking. Touch becomes important. A cuddle on the couch becomes our way to say I love you or I'm glad you are here.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Gymnastics Drop Out
In general, I am not a quitter. If I start something, I'll finish it no matter how much I dislike it. But, I must admit that in less than 2 months, I started Jaycee in gymnastics and then quit. I blogged about my apprehensions in January's entry "Jumping & Courage." The first class went really well. But every week after that did not go well. In March, I finally had enough.
Jaycee was in a class with 12-19 girls. She was the only one with special needs there. The staff was nice to her even though she halted the class numerous times each week. There were a few kids who tried to befriend Jaycee and help her stay in line. I enjoyed that part. When Jaycee participated, she actually attempted to do a cart wheel and back flips. It was so adorable to watch. She jumped her hardest on the trampoline and tried to imitate the girls who flopped on their bottoms and bellies. The problems arose when it wasn't her turn. She didn't like to wait. She ran from one spot to the next. Sometimes, she climbed onto a trampoline that no adult was supervising, which was not allowed. Sometimes, she just ran. The worst was when she ran smack dab into the low bar on the uneven bars. It didn't stop her, she just kept running. Waiting for her turn to tumble or do the trampoline was too much. She couldn't stay in line, she just had to go.
Maybe you are reading this and thinking I'm being too hard on her or that I gave up too soon. I think that if I was watching someone else's kid do this, I would think it would be understandable behavior. But, when it's your kid who is often disrupting class and not listening, it's different. It stressed me out every week because I didn't know when/if she'd run off and possibly hurt herself. So at age 7, my daughter dropped out of her first attempt at sports.
On the bright side, I did find a woman who does private swimming lessons for children with special needs. Jaycee has had two sessions so far and they have been wonderful! She loves to swim so this was the perfect match. She has individual attention and someone who can talk to her on her level. The only bad thing is that just about every day she tries to put her swimming suit on to go to her lesson. Too bad it's just once a week.
So, the moral of this story is.....If something doesn't seem to be working out with your child, don't feel guilty about quitting because you may find something better!
Jaycee was in a class with 12-19 girls. She was the only one with special needs there. The staff was nice to her even though she halted the class numerous times each week. There were a few kids who tried to befriend Jaycee and help her stay in line. I enjoyed that part. When Jaycee participated, she actually attempted to do a cart wheel and back flips. It was so adorable to watch. She jumped her hardest on the trampoline and tried to imitate the girls who flopped on their bottoms and bellies. The problems arose when it wasn't her turn. She didn't like to wait. She ran from one spot to the next. Sometimes, she climbed onto a trampoline that no adult was supervising, which was not allowed. Sometimes, she just ran. The worst was when she ran smack dab into the low bar on the uneven bars. It didn't stop her, she just kept running. Waiting for her turn to tumble or do the trampoline was too much. She couldn't stay in line, she just had to go.
Maybe you are reading this and thinking I'm being too hard on her or that I gave up too soon. I think that if I was watching someone else's kid do this, I would think it would be understandable behavior. But, when it's your kid who is often disrupting class and not listening, it's different. It stressed me out every week because I didn't know when/if she'd run off and possibly hurt herself. So at age 7, my daughter dropped out of her first attempt at sports.
On the bright side, I did find a woman who does private swimming lessons for children with special needs. Jaycee has had two sessions so far and they have been wonderful! She loves to swim so this was the perfect match. She has individual attention and someone who can talk to her on her level. The only bad thing is that just about every day she tries to put her swimming suit on to go to her lesson. Too bad it's just once a week.
So, the moral of this story is.....If something doesn't seem to be working out with your child, don't feel guilty about quitting because you may find something better!
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